Blog With Perfect Timing...Give Me Less not More

I just read this blog: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/08/11/give-liberty-give-debt/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=give-liberty-give-debt


It was titled Give Me Gratitude or Give me Debt.

I couldn't have read it at a more perfect time.

We have started a new stricter budget in our household. We deposit a certain amount every 2 weeks for food and entertainment and well...life. I won't divulge how much to avoid any judgment.

Anyway, today I was in a negative frame of mind. I wasn't being a twit all day or anything like that, but we are low on the cash flow since it is the last few days before we replenish the expense account. I found myself having "huffy" thoughts. Thoughts like I haven't even put money in W's lunch account. Thoughts like we are out of laundry detergent, milk, and the pantry seems low on groceries.

Then I read this blog about how grateful the author Glennon was for the necessities in life-in her outdated kitchen regardless that the style or models may be considered out of date by readers.

A couple of things happened at that very moment. Her blog with pics of her kitchen really shined a light so bright on my thinking you could have heard the bulb pop. But during that process I glanced up from my iPad and looked at a picture I have hanging on my wall.

I wasn't looking at the magnolia picture or the refurbished frame I brought back to life the year I was married. I was looking at the reflection in the picture. The reflection was of the huge willow and other gorgeous trees in my back yard. And they seemed to be waving at me wildly to get my attention and saying, "HEY! LOOK AT ME!" I turned around and peered out my wall of windows and saw it had begun raining, and I hadn't even noticed. I put down my technology to notice that it was beautiful. The rain was slanted to the right and the trees were waving at me through the window wildly. The sky was a shadowy blue gray. It. Was. Beautiful.

I went into the kitchen and begun organizing the pantry. It is usually stuffed so full I can't even see what's in the back. Today It looked sparse so it was the perfect time to arrange and reorganize it. I thought of Glennon's blog that I read today Give Me Gratitude or Give Me Debt.

I was ashamed. Ashamed that as I looked around as Glennon did in her blog I too had too much to be grateful for! So so very lucky. Instead of making that what we don't have, what we need list that gets stuck to the fridge I realized what we HAVE. I began making a list of what I have at this very moment and it put me to shame.

I started dinner with what I could find which I will get back to in a moment and had to go outside to write in my journal. When you are a writer there are moments that things come and you must write them down. Things I don't want to forget. Things I want to reread in a week, month, year, decade later and remember the lesson the aha moment. I began listing what I had. By now the rain stopped and the wind had dried the patio. The wind was blowing even harder and appeared an even more impressive storm was about to blow in. That's the kind of weather I like to be outside for (although for a moment I thought is a tornado coming? Write faster!)

Here's my list

What I DO HAVE:

~a gorgeous stormy sky

~a spaceous 2 story home

~an adorable havanese pet dog

~my kids attended a Christian private school today in clean new uniforms where they are free to learn about and worship God freely

~ground beef

~salmon

~cheese

~bread

~boxes and boxes of pasta

~bags of rice, beans, peas

~fresh sweet potatoes

~lima beans

~broccoli

~clean water

~stainless steel appliances that WORK

~beds for my children

~inside bathrooms

~more clothes that can fit in 4 closets among us all

~a working kitchen

~a husband working right now at this very moment to support us

~air conditioning and heat

~cable t.v.

~joy in our hearts

~the Duggars recorded!

~blankets

~towels, that match and are color coordinated among 3 bathrooms

~a little 10 yr old by my side watching and adoring my every move

~an energetic 7 year old that has dozens of video games and multiple game systems

~computers

~ipads

At this point I realized the list could literally go on and on and on and I had something in the oven!

I write this not because I brag. Heavens no! I write it because I realize that I:

Am a spoiled, rotten, brat of a housewife. And in all honesty I strive everyday to be less spoiled. Less rotten. And less of a brat.

I strive to be more aware of real world issues. Real life.

When this:

appears for even a moment to be a sparse pantry, I have to readjust my thinking. I have to remind myself we Americans are richer than our wildest dreams compared to the world. As my pastor Pete Wilson says, "We are just bad at being Rich!" But we are rich.

So by the time dinner came around I felt overjoyed to sit and eat sloppy joes, sea salt and cinnamon sweet potato fries, and lima beans with my kids-on a paper plate!

My attitude bled over to my children's. They were so happy. So grateful. So pleasant at dinner you would have thought I'd made them a feast.

To top it off we had fresh cold cantaloup for dessert.

I am so so so thankful for my friend Erin Grant sharing this blog on Facebook today and as Erin has such a way with words she posted, "I love her perspectacles!"


Isn't that so true! Our perspective is how we see the world but not necessarily how the world really is.

And as I notice the sad death of a talented funny actor tonight that some would look at as having it "all". And while I read how he may have died, I remind myself, I don't want it "all". It doesn't bring happiness.

I want to be unappologetically the plastic surgeon's wife that eats Sloppy Joe's on paper plates that is so very happy to just see the rain. To just be happy sitting with my kids. To only need what I already have, even though it is so hard not to revert to the spoiled rotten American brat. To always try to be less than what I am and more like Christ. To be happy with less not more.

Let's Talk About..... Baby.......

Well you would have to be from the 90's maybe even the 80's it's hard to remember since we are in a new millennium now to know where this title is going. While I was in a marriage seminar I heard the very best description of the differences in men and women. Even better than what I read in Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (also in the late 90s). Anyway, this ingenious speaker explained that men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots.

Have you ever put a meal in the crockpot and left for work to return to a cold dead piece of meat. Ya forgot to turn it on. There is no getting a quick dinner....you're screwed! Or in this case...not-Sorry for the pun.

So basically women need a good 8-10 hours to cook to be ready to go. I'm not talking about the world's longest foreplay...or am I? I am not referring to groping. As a woman I prefer to be talked to. I really liked to be smiled at. Laughter bumps the knob from low to high. If my husband happens close to me the crockpot is on. So I suppose basic proximity is good with me. Even just a hand on my shoulder. I'm not talking about "that's what she said" comments or remarks all day. I'm not talking about overtly sexual acts. I'm talking romance and genuine caring. A little sympathy or empathy, or acknowledgment goes a long way as well. Ps.



Further more, it's all in the details. Saying every Sunday afternoon, "You look nice." is not nearly the same as "I like your hair today." Or "You look great in that dress." It's just more specific you know.

On the other hand men (and I know this is not true to all) as described by the speaker whom I do not remember because it was nearly a decade ago, can have their buttons pushed and in minutes be ready to go at times. And now you know microwaves are even more efficient so if you push a 1 it knows what to do.

I am no Dr. Ruth but I have read her column enough as well as Dear Abby to know women are turned on by their brains....we are thinkers. Maybe even over thinkers. With men it may be more physical (this is just a non expert guess).

Now I know that this makes us females the more complicated species....because this means we are turned on by a way of life. Not a moment. Although moments do contribute. I realize that this is harder to maintain than the subtle cues a man may only need (or not-I'm not the expert).

It's all about closeness for me, feeling safe and secure. How can you truly become one with your mate if you feel miles away? We women are just too smart for that. And truly I think men are too, but they may be willing to settle sometimes.

I guess that means we prefer quality over quantity. True Love.

And now after looking back at Salt and Peppa's lyrics this goes against all the song really was about except for the intro:


"Let's Talk About Sex"

(Punch it, Hurb
Yo, I don't think we should talk about this
Come on, why not?)

People might misunderstand what we're tryin' to say, you know?
No, but that's a part of life

And that would be that Christians actually do this! Especially the MARRIED ones. It's a part of life. It's important to a healthy marriage. I personally think it is important to talk about. Preferable with girlfriends that keep secrets like vaults and have no judgement.

So men, from one married woman-crockpots are very low maintenance. You really only have to turn it on, put the meal in (usually this consists of at least one type of Campbell's soup), put the lid on. Let it cook, and you're good to go, but it takes time and happens throughout the day. You never cook with a crockpot at night unless you're making breakfast for the morning. And women, just push the 1 and he'll know what to do.

ps. I have not read that book in the pic above and do not recall if this was the speaker I heard from, however, I may need to read it!

This Summer...Will I Regret This in the Morning?

The other day someone I barely know yet gave me the sweetest compliment. She said I was a good writer. This was the ultimate for me. Then she mentioned a blog I wrote. I immediately felt convicted. I knew what blog she referred to. It was a beautiful (probably the most beautiful thing I've written) post about being loved unconditionally. I felt convicted because I have gone through weeks of self-loathing since I wrote it through tears as a reminder of God's unconditional love.

For me all it takes is my husband even alluding to my shape or size needing exercise or weight loss and I am done. All bets are off. Even if it was my idea hearing it from him just does me in- TKO. I have seen lately on twitter and Facebook all these videos on women against body shaming. The shaming that occurs on the street, the shaming of that poor Canadian woman on the beach with the stretch marks. Well, I realized as I read those that I am the worst body shamer. I never do it to other women....ever. I can spot the beauty in any woman I meet literally all of them. I do it to myself.

This is what I have been doing all summer. Trying to cover this behind and this belly full of scars...

I have been telling my closest girlfriends how I have found the solution... The retro bikini. Hi waisted bottoms with a cute bikini top...

Then as the summer went by I told my same girlfriends the downfall....I loved the retro look until I turned around....and witnessed the mom butt....The wheelbarrow behind.

But this summer has been full of ups too.

Then after the big adventure came Paul's completion of his fellowship...

Then the down time came. All through residency I felt we were truly in it together. Even the celebration was so inclusive of the spouses. But on the night I knew there would be pictures and I drug 2 children all around the Green Hills Mall so I could find a dress that would hide the fact that I had just enjoyed a 7 day cruise with an all you can eat perk for 7 days. I don't know if it was the eventual arguing of my two children over who got to help zip me up next, or sheer exhaustion, or just defeat but I found this dress on sale at the Banana Republic so it had to be the one. This was the beginning of the spiral of my body loathing that lasted all summer long:



I felt great all night long. Exactly like the Little Mermaid would feel with legs. My kids picked everything down to the jewelry. My daughter said everyone's going to love your dress! My husband noted the material looks like that of a chair... And I should of known better than to go with pleats AND pockets...but I'm a teacher at heart and we LOVE dresses with pockets??? When I saw these pictures I cringed. I saw that all you can eat cruise all over this dress.

Then came the real world. Paul leaving for work and me staying at home. All summer long. He was ecstatic with his new role and job and me a lost puppy. I felt alone. Left out. I felt like I wasn't part of the equation anymore because he was busy and I was stuck at home, me and the kids. I tend to nit pick myself in the downtime...especially in summer....especially when I have to do activities that require a bathing suit.

I admit that I could have put on a big ole skirt momsuit and conceded defeat. But that is just not me. Please if you wear these know I admire you in it. However I am the put on the suit I could have worn at age 20 and harass myself over and over that I now look a dismal excuse of 35 in it.

I tried eating healthy for about 5 weeks...I lost 3 lbs. I was starving, moody, and volatile. I have weighed everyday. Everyday this summer. And everyday came the shaming. From myself. The worst kind. And this is where this blog gets tricky. Tricky because I'm being honest about my thoughts. Most of us women do it...but we aren't supposed to talk about it are we? Acknowledge that among all our support of all shapes, all sizes, all ages of female bodies...the ones we pick on the most are our own. I tend to take my own picture when I have a day that I think wow, I FEEL good today because no one else takes picture of the photographer and moms are the record keepers. Just the other day I truly felt disgusted with myself. A feeling I NEVER want my own daughter to feel of her own body. And the little optimistic bird in my head ever so slightly whispered, "But your hair looks good!"

So I took my own picture to remind me-no matter the size today the hair looks good. (Thank you hot rollers!) This is the same day. I felt bigger in the white so I changed...then probably changed again.

You know what these next pictures have in common? I was living in a teeny tiny cabin and for 10 months I didn't have a full length mirror. I never weighed once. And I was happy and felt perfectly confident. Granted most of those months I was dealing with a lot of pain, had a complete hysterectomy and was diagnosed with an incurable bladder condition so I just didn't have time to worry about a number on a scale. And then I moved and saw myself after 10 blissful non full length mirror months and I gasped! When I realized what I looked like from the waist down I actually apologized at work to a woman I did not know one day and said, "Sorry I haven't had a full length mirror in 10 months..."

But I did look happy. I don't have an answer for myself. Do I want my body to look great for myself, for my husband?...yes. Am I willing to sacrifice my house cleaning, cooking,volunteering, and child rearing time to body build? no. Will I have more time to work out now that I am a SAHM? I think so. Do I want to feel loved even though my physique is not perfect and NEVER will be? Yes. And most of all do I want to be loved for ALL the other reasons....

Because I devote my life to loving my family, my kids. Because I give all I have most days to them. Yes and a thousand times yes. I wish everyone could see that is the beauty that never fades...never needs Botox, and only gets better with age. Seeing someone's talent is beautiful. Acknowledging that art comes in all kinds. That is beautiful. Can't beauty be in the creativity? In life?

I'd rather be known for being smart than pretty. I'd rather be known for being talented than sexy. I'd rather be known as a loving soul than attractive. I'd rather be known for the legacy I leave these two.

When I took this picture of myself...

I put the camera down and laughed then cried. I noticed my shirt in the camera phone...and realized I felt anything but loved. All week I had berated myself. I was too heavy gained back 2 of the pounds I lost despite keeping an impossible 1200 calorie diet for 4 weeks straight. My skin was no longer firm on my tummy. I joked with my girlfriends that week my butt was now a foot lower than it was supposed to be.

All summer I have erased any picture full length of me. Isn't it funny how from the rib cage up can look so great from an arms length? But get the whole shebang and the curves pop out of nowhere?

But here's the deal. My little boy is only to my waist. He looks at me from that horrendous angle and he sees the world. He says ridiculously loving things every day like, "Who's my sweet girl????" Isn't that amazing? That from that angle he is just over the moon for me? And what do I teach my middle schooler that looks at my every move with a magnifying glass. The one that said, "Mom, why did you change 3 times before the orientation today??"

I know some people may read this and say

1. This is ridiculous you don't have anything to worry about? But that doesn't help me when my pants are too tight, or shirts about to bust a zipper, or someone I love looks at me as if I am a disappointment or

2.Dang this mom takes more selfies than Kim K on her Thailand trip for her selfie book for Kanye! or

3. Just work out!

The point is this summer above all else has been a real challenge. A lesson on what not to do. A lesson on what it feels like to shame myself on a daily basis. It has been a lesson that I need to learn to love myself even when others think I'm not the right size, shape. Even when others may not appreciate my gifts and talents. Even when I am having a hard time loving myself.

So here's a selfie for the road...literally. No one told me I looked nice this day but I did think it myself:

But only because I ran away on this day and did this:

And this:

:) And will try to tell myself this on a daily basis no matter what I am feeling or those around me are...


And Cheers to hair that never gains weight and always works out with hot rollers!

To Blog or Not to Blog...that is the Question

Today is one of those days when I have to tell myself write it in your journal....do not blog it! That would be because there are days that are full of highs and days that are full of lows for no reason at all. I know really there are reasons for everything....Even though we don't know what they are. I can hardly believe that it was only 10 months ago that I had my female insides ripped out and am thinking my .05 dosage of hormones isn't the correct amount! Anyhoo, back to the topic at hand.

On the low days I have to remind myself-do not put it all out there! Isn't that funny how we have evolved with social media. It's not that I want to appear perfect. I am too imperfect for that. It's that when I go back and browse my own social media I like to focus on the feel good times.

Truth is school is starting back.

I cannot contain what a loss it is for me to not be doing that like so many other teachers this year. I have done it every August since I was 22 years old. Usually on the first day back I would be seeing familiar little faces that I recognize but don't know yet by name. Faces of brothers and sisters that were in my class before. Faces I have seen roaming the halls and smiling at me. The day is usually welcomed with a perfect classroom with neatly cursive printed name tags. Lots of hugs and lots of, "I'm so glad I got you as my teacher!"

I knew this would be a problem. I knew the amount of love, support, praise, and affection I got from my job each day from students, parents, and friends that I worked with was unnatural. I pondered what a day would be like without getting little handmade colored pictures that read, "You're the best teacher ever!" would be like.

Well I know now. It is like you have woken up and have suddenly lost your super power.

That's what it is like.

I'm not complaining. I know many moms would kill to be able to focus only on their children. And it was a choice I made for myself. If I hadn't I would be up a creek this week without a paddle trying to find childcare... But none the less, this is what it feels like to me.

I was able to relax all summer and indulge in my children and their back to school plans so I guess it's only fair to take the highs with the lows. And I have the freedom to go back and teach whenever I choose despite the cons of the current government run school systems. Honestly, who knows if that will ever happen. The only things I miss are my amazing students and wonderful parents. Unfortunately the rest I am glad to be rid of.

With every change comes times of uncertainty....

Meanwhile while I'm in the pits I witness my dog rolling around in the grass probably in rabbit poop (his favorite thing to roll around in) I usually yell, "Sonny! Stop that." But this time I heard my dad's voice say, "That's like telling a dog not to be a dog?" and I thought to myself, Who am I to take his joy?.... If I could get that much joy from rolling around in rabbit poop right now I would too. So here he is.

ps...He smells like rabbit..... Stuff so now am I will be bathing him so I hope it was worth it.