Frustrated Mom

When we moms can't control variables that negatively affect our kids we get.....frustrated.

My son's hearing aid strangely started making this shhhhhhh loud white noise on Friday. We have dealt with hearing aids and had extremely positive experiences for 7 years now. But when there is a problem with them it can be very frustrating to me-the mom.

There is nothing worse for a mom than when your child is sick, hurt, or in need of something you can't provide. I provide normal hearing to him with these hearing aids. When they are not functional I get frustrated to say the least. The noise went away then started again yesterday on the way home from a loooooong appointment to get his ears checked up! We stopped by the hearing center where we purchased them and guess what? They weren't making the noise. Then as soon as we drove away....they were. Anyway they offered us a "loner aid" so we could send in the one that was malfunctioning.

I was hesitant for one reason....W's aid is Caribbean pirate blue (his choice). I knew they weren't going to have a "loner" in that shade. We have been very lucky that wherever W was in school the kids have always known me, his sister, and him very well. Kids have always been kind to W about his hearing aids. They do ask a lot of questions-what is that? Why do you wear those? Can you hear without them? But always kind. I pray this is ALWAYS the case. I can't even bear to think otherwise. My heart can't take that thought.

Anyway, I went in this morning to get the loner aid so we could indeed mail off his to get it fixed. I'm already frustrated because we never had this issue in 7 years with the others that lasted 3 years each without many problems and these are only 6 months old, but now the thought of "mismatched aids" are on my mind and not sitting well with my mommy soul.

I get there and sure enough this is what they want W to wear the next few days.



I tell myself-do not be emotional do not be emotional.

I ask, "Didn't you say these two different brands have distinctively different sounds? What are your thoughts on him wearing two different models? Do you think it would be better to have 2 of the same?"

That's basically all it took. She went and got the pair to the loner. He borrowed these before when his old ones went kaput and we bought the new ones so I knew they had 2. It was still programmed with his settings.

Let me be very clear-we are grateful they loaned us spares and I am in no way criticizing the audiologists but......I have dealt with many many audiologists and medical professionals in the hearing world. They don't always see the whole picture AKA the whole child. They look at frequency charts on the computer. They program hearing aids. They think in terms of functionality.

They don't take in consideration that your son who already has grown self conscious about wearing hearing aids and doesn't want to will be walking around wearing two hearing aids that look different and have slightly different sounds that they produce. They just don't. It's not in their job description.

But it is in mine. I am his advocate. I listen to him. I defend him and his needs. Not his hearing needs-All his needs. Physical, social, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. And while some may insist the physical needs come first and foremost....I don't. I find them all equally important.

So I went to school with the two matching loner hearing aids and switch them out in the office. He is fooling around figuring out how to adjust them, turn them on and off and change the battery. He wasn't thrilled to be wearing them as he is attached to his own by now and mentioned, "But these are bigger than mine." I explain they are the color of his hair and his hair covers them anyway so don't worry. He is situated and skips off in a hurry not phased that much.

I on the other hand feel drained. Emotionally drained. Yes I have a good cry in the car. I tell myself do not go back to the place of asking the unknowns-why? How did this happen in the first place? I remind myself it doesn't help in the moving forward.

Moments like this I try not to go to the moments that playback to me hauntingly. The time my obgyn commented what a routine perfect pregnancy I had-how everything was "textbook" as he stated. I remind myself how "easy" most days are when wearing hearing aids is like putting on shoes no biggy. I acknowledge our hearing issue is so little compared to what some parents and children are dealing with. I remind myself how lucky we are to have medical resources that have helped him be so successful with so little delays at all-the resources of speech, language, medical insurance. The list goes on.

But you know what? For me, the mom, it's still hard. For me, it will always be an emotional trigger. That's just the way I love him.

When something is not going quite right for one of my kids it's more like something is not quite right with my arm, or leg, or organ in my body. Even though I don't carry them inside of me anymore...I sort of still do. So that's why I can be overreactive, overprotective, over emotional. When moms get frustrated, they are really hurting because their child hurts. And even when your child forgets what may have been ailing them or can be distracted from it, it lingers on the mom's mind-frustrating her emotionally, spiritually, intellectually.

So All I can do is put the situation in God's hands. And I can cook W's favorite meal crawfish fettuccini and bring it to him for lunch :)

I've Got a Feeling....

I'm in the mood to RUN! It happens every new fall season. I do it this time every year and not to lose weight or even get fit. When fall comes all the sudden I love my body! Why? Besides the fact that the pool is closed I love my body because it is functional and I can run. I love what my body can do-hike through a trail. Smell the dirt and trees. See the gorgeous changing colors! Sore muscles remind me that they're there!

Alone Time

Deal with it Head On...Or Should I Say Hair On?

There are many things in life I am not good at. One thing is confrontation. I would much rather run and hide or just run than deal with uncomfortable situations.

Meet Ostrich, insert head into sand. Yah that's me.

It sure is cozy in this dark hole.

Wednesday I went to my same girl at my same salon to cover my same silver roots to get my same color, highlight, and trim. She was very distracted. In the end she asked if it was ok if she went and cut someone's hair and some other new girl was going to rinse my hair and dry it/style it.

Ok. Here it is. I smile and nod when things are not ok with me! I say, "Sure, ok?" When I am thinking, "No! Not ok, I am paying to have YOU do it and made an appointment with YOU!" I also am thinking when they rinse the color that's the time they make sure it's ok and decide if it's not to add a toner, gloss, whatever before the client sees the end result.

Also, I revel in the way this person always styles my hair and it gets to look good once a month.

Anyway, I noticed right away it was....brassy. My least favorite word. Also the new girl flat ironing my hair was pulley and jerky with the hairbrush. So basically in the car while I was contemplating that the bangs were not right, the color was different, and the cut in choppy layers I get a phone call.

Me- "Hello"

Some strange lady from some Dr's office I've never heard of- "Yes, I am calling to schedule your colonoscopy."

Me-"Ummm........silence......What?!?"

Lady-"Is your Doctor, Doctor L?"

Me-"yes!"

Lady-"Well he called us and said you needed a colonoscopy."

Me- "Well, he could have told me first!!"

Lady- "Well do you want to schedule it?"

Me-"No, not right now until I speak to my Dr.!"

So anyway I was a little distracted due to this phone call about my dissatisfaction about my hair because lets face it now I am dealing with a bigger pain in the A#*!


I get home with my ostrich feathers a bit ruffled from the day and my husband is home.....early.

My husband....lets say he has a tourettes like type of honesty. He says turn around so he can "inspect" my hair. I turn then look at him. He says immediately in true tourettes style, "I don't like it! Who did it, what did she do different?"

All very quickly.

I leave. I can't deal with a bad hair cut appointment, a surprise colonoscopy call, and my husband's tourettes critique style at the moment.

Where else can a girl go to calm down?? To get a pedicure. Nothing like a good leg rub down and a new color to cool my jets. I spend the next two days trying to figure out what is wrong with my hair.

I go to a friend to shape my bangs back to normal but we realize my color is oddly darker even though I got highlights.

The next day I decide I can just deal with it and go somewhere else in 7 weeks to fix it.

Then today came. I woke up and threw a pair of capri pants on with my husbands raggedy over sized t-shirt. I was in the kitchen getting ready to take the kids to school and finish up their breakfast routine when my husband comes down in his dress pants and mint green bow tie, takes a look at me and says, "ew!" not only "ew" but gives a frightened shake and shiver!!! In a very tourettes like style. I tell him he's mean (in a calm loving joky tone of course) and M says, "Mom but what if we have to stop again today and help someone who fell and you look like that?!"

I laugh and say, "Today we are taking the interstate!"

We leave. As I drop the kids off and get nearly all the way back home I realize M has forgotten her iPad in my car. She has to bring it everyday fully charged to school! I can't turn around and take the iPad inside the school because I look like Freddy Krueger! So I go home run upstairs change into a real shirt with actual undergarments and put on actual makeup. I make the 25 minute drive BACK to M's school and deliver her iPad.

She hugs me long and sweetly. The kind where she just squeezes, nuzzles her head into my neck and doesn't let go for a good minute-right in the middle of the hallway of her MIDDLE school! In public. At school. I melt. It was worth the trip.

As I get home I realize I've got all day and I need to face up to the fact that I paid $140 for a hair highlight that looks dark, a base color that is brassy, and a haircut that clearly proves my girl was having an off day.

I call my girlfriend who always tells me what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it.

She says, "You know what you've got to do. You've got to call the salon and tell them.....you don't like it."

******************************************GULP******************************************************

But I don't want to! What if she is offended? What if they think I'm a crotchety B word! Don't make me!

She's right, I do it. I call and explain I don't like it and go in because they said come in right away.

So uncomfortable! I am not good facing things head on!

The girl apologizes and consults with the head lady to see how to get the brassy out. Then I add on that *gulp* Please don't hate me, but......I don't like the cut either! (wants sand to hide in)

She says no problem she can fix it. She does. The awkwardness wore off and she admitted that after she cut my hair on Wed. she got her's colored.....and.....she didn't like it! Had to ask them to fix it!


That made me feel so much better. It happens.

She fixed it and I feel much better looking at my hair in the mirror now. So I won't have to choke on the fact that I spent $140 on a service that did me no benefit at all!

I'm trying and sometimes need a nudge from a girlfriend every now and then to be brave. Be bold and face life Head or I should say Hair on!

ps. I am lucky I don't need to say to my husband, "You were right, it was a bad cut!" Because like me, he humors my tourettes like texts that come after his tourettes like reactions and we just love each other's quirks, move on, and laugh later.

Expect the Unexpected!

This morning I decided to get dressed and put on make up-basically look like I was in the land of the living because I had to go to the grocery store immediately after I dropped the kids off and bake a vegetarian zucchini ziti using a recipe I've never used before (the email said stick to the recipe very important) then take it to the middle school by 10:30 and help serve the middle school teachers a teacher appreciation lunch at a fabulous old historical house that is used as a bed and breakfast on the school campus until 1:30. Then I double booked myself and had to be at the elementary school library to volunteer shelving books until 2:45....so no time to be walking around schlumpadinka (as Oprah and Gale call it.)


If I am learning anything about the joys of stay at home mom hood it is be ready for anything. Expect the unexpected! Which I love! I love anything unplanned, spur of the moment, sporadic, spontaneous. To me, that's living.

So I woke up and put on this:

When I walked out of my closet I was facing my husband and his closet-they are two different closets on each side of the hallway facing each other from our bedroom to the master bath. Anyway if you can imagine this I am facing my husband in a fabulous sexy businesslike pin striped suit. He has on a tie and is trying to decide between pocket squares....

I on the other hand choose a cotton navy and white striped comfy skirt a denim button up shirt and my flip flops :) You see where this is going? No? ok. I am rolling my sleeves up in front of my mirror in the bathroom and my husband walks in. I say, "You look very nice." He says, "You do too." I chuckle and say, "Oh, ya right." He says, "No, you do. Your outfit says, 'Hi, I'm a mom!'" This made me giggle because that is exactly what I was going for as a mom volunteer, cook, server, shelver for the day. Little did I know I would also be in the role of Good Samaritan....but more on that in a minute.

So I bring the kids to school and we are having an amazing morning. My jams come on one after the next and Mary and I are doing the car dancing from the waist up with only head and shoulder movement to keep both hands on the wheel. First, All about that Bass comes on- my favorite. Then, Shake it off. So I decide spontaneously to avoid the interstate today and go the back roads route.

As we are driving I pass a road to the right slowly and see a very elderly black woman in a track suit sort of toppling forward seemingly in slow motion. I notice (I'm going slow in a school zone) she is in the midst of falling face forward on the ground in sort of a face plant. I look around panicked and make a big u turn at the 4-way stop.

I say to the kids, "I think someone is hurt-stay in the car." I pull in to the street and see her face down in the grass. Weights strewn in the grass. Her little walkman is around her neck and the back battery case door is thrown aside. Two other men walked upon her and I'm sure not seeing what I saw were quite surprised.

I tell the kids to stay in the car and get out to check on her. She is shaken up and sweaty and discombobulated of course. She insists she is ok and tripped on the curb that her heart is ok. The two men struggle to pick her up. I gather her precious hand weights and fix her walkman that's around her neck. She had almost made it to her house. The two men begin walking her one under each arm to her driveway. I am more concerned than they seem to be and ask should we call an ambulance. She and the men say no. I ask, "Well is anyone home with you right now?" I'm still worried about her heart as she seems my grandmother's age. She said, "no." I get back in the car and turn back to bring the kids to school.

I can't stop thinking of the woman. As I drive away I make a mental note of where her house is and decide to come back to check on her.

I bring the kids to school and sure enough come right back. I walk around to the back door because I guess no one ever uses the front door. I see an old light red brick house one story and in the back a beautiful sun room surrounded with windows and there she is sitting inside.

I (feeling a little awkward) knock on her door. She holds a finger up for me to wait a minute and retreats to the back of her house. She comes back with a hat on and unlocks her door with her keys. I say I am here just to check on her. She invites me in to her table inside. Her house smells old, like my grandmas-I like it. I tell her what a beautiful sunroom she has and she thanks me. I see papers she has written on scattered on her table. She says she was working on her Bible study. We sit and talk like old friends for at least half an hour. She asks me what am I doing with the rest of my day and seems surprised when I tell her I am grocery shopping, baking a ziti, and delivering by 10:30. She asks if I have cooked it already, and I say no! I wonder if 2 hours will be enough time. It doesn't matter.

She tells me about her 3 sons who are preachers and a daughter who is getting her doctorate. She asks about my children, where I'm from, my husband, and even if my own grandmothers are alive. She seems impressed by my description of my 86 year old grandmother. We exchange some recipes. She tells me how to make my drumsticks taste just like they're fried by baking them in milk, egg, and Louisiana seasoning.

We exchange numbers and I offer to come walk with her in the mornings after I drop the kids off.

Who. Would. Have. Known????

To tell the truth I started the day out apprehensive. 9-11 ya know. I wondered should I keep my kids home from school? As I was driving away from Mary Jane G's house. Yes her name is Mary just like my daughter :) and Mary Jane just like the Aunt I am named after. We bonded over both being Janes.

As I drove away I realized the only way to fight and overcome evil in the world is with Love. I thought about our world and how frightening and evil it can seem and thought of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah how God could find barely 2 who were not completely evil. I realized we aren't that bad. There is so much love in our world and we can change things not by guilt, fear, revenge, but living out love every day.

So I eventually got the groceries, made the Zucchini Ziti and one with meat for our dinner tonight.

I served middle school teachers all day from 10:30-1:30 with 4 other moms. The teachers and administrators were so very thankful and appreciative of all our hard work and servitude. By the end of the day after refilling fruit teas, rotating Ziti's and cakes from the kitchen to the dining room, replenishing salad toppers we were completely bonded taking left overs home, cleaning, and putting the beautiful historical house back in order. It was like a mom sorority. We talked for hours about teaching, being a mom, our kids, school. It was just perfect.

I zipped over to the library and shelved books for half an hour and picked my kids up-safe and sound. On the way home as my kids were munching on left over butter pecan cake (from the luncheon) and watching Madagascar 2 I had a wave of peace that we cannot live in fear and hide from evil. The only medicine for the ailment is love. I have heard of people having a "life verse". Of all the verses picking one that is most meaningful to you. I have been looking for over a year now. I even took the "What's your life verse?" Facebook quiz :) But nothing resonated with me. One Sunday during the service I stumbled on my life verse. When I read it and was underling it in my Bible I wrote life verse! Next to it then marked it will a bulletin. Here it is in a few different forms.

Here's my favorite version:

I never expected to be sitting in a strange elderly woman's beautiful sun room today whose house happened to be on a route I take everyday. I didn't expect to get so much joy from serving and loving others. I can't even be huffy about, "Ughhh I was so busy and blah blah blah...." It was great!

I really would rather choose a life paragraph than verse because this is one of the most powerful paragraphs to me on how I wish to live out my life and pass on:

Colossians 3:12-15New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

So basically get up get dressed and-

Oh, and don't be afraid to love like crazy. Like going into the unknown to care for others. Do the unexpected. The unthinkable and Love on others. Even strangers!

ps I was totally dressed like, Hi! I'm a mom today! And it felt great!

Delight in the little Things...like skipping school :)

My pastor Pete Wilson is starting a new message called Freeway. When he starts a series I get so excited. I know it is going to be good but this one is just perfect! It is about slowing down, becoming more spiritual by being more aware. His message Sunday was about being busy vs. being "hurried". Basically busy is normal and expected in life but hurried is where you are missing things around you and missing God in the details in your life, because you are too hurried to notice. I encourage anyone who wants to get the full effect of this series to go to crosspoint.tv to watch the whole Freeway series.

Anyway! This blog post is not about that! It just set my week off to thinking about how much I personally enjoy details and WHY that small thing is responsible for most of my happiness. I feel like I am a very happy person. I'm not ready to divulge all I have and do deal with in my life from childhood to now but you will have to trust that no matter appearances I DO NOT have it all. I have been through a lot in my lifetime. Things maybe others would never imagine of me. I do acknowledge that currently I am extremely lucky and blessed. I will say though no matter how things look on the outside nothing is absolutely perfect for anyone. The one thing from age 5 that I have done is trusted and gone to the Lord when in need.

Back to details. I feel like people who rest in the peace and appreciation of today are happier than those who obsess on what happened to them in the past (even yesterday) or worry frantically about the future.

This led me to this verse:

This morning I got up and I have this "summer cold" or so called mystery respiratory virus going around and it won't go away. The worst time of day is when I wake up with it in the morning. I am no morning person anyway but a scratchy throat and gooked up sinuses doesn't enhance my already challenged morning mood.

I'm the first one up most school days. Even when my husband takes the kids to school some mornings usually once or twice a week (I live for those days!) he says I have to be the one to "get them going". I ask WHY? He says because you can get them going! I can't!

So this morning I know I cannot yell. My throat wouldn't even do it if I was tempted. First of all I would like to say this is something I am working on today (and all the days before). I was a child that threw temper tantrums. I was a fiery child, feisty. I try not to yell as a mom. But when it comes out it is mostly in the morning.....after requesting something multiple times......and running late!

So this morning I asked (quietly) my son to get up. Then asked a few minutes later rubbing his back. Then again putting on radio Disney. Then again (still nicely) when he was asleep with his shorts on and nothing else. I may have guilted a little by saying, "Mommy's throat hurts I don't want to have to yell...."

Eventually I trusted he was in the land of the living and awake and went down to cook breakfast. I was debating the fact that today was Monday and I volunteer Monday mornings. A self inflicted action to simply make sure I get out of my pjs at least on Monday! However this cold was really doing me in still this morning. I sent a quick email that I would volunteer this afternoon (hoping I'd feel better and buying me some time).

I got downstairs with plenty time to spare. So far so good-no yelling or sassing or raising my strained voice.


I made the kids a ham, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich and used my bread stamp. This is a totally nutritionally unnecessary thing. But this little detail brings me so much joy. The stamp. The fact that it is a novelty. The fact that I was shopping over a year ago with my girlfriend when I found it in Chattanooga. The fact that I can stamp my feelings for my kids on bread. The fact that this is how we are starting our Monday. I love it all.

On the way to school (we made it early in the car-JOY!) I and my daughter started quizzing W on his spelling words. This is our routine everyday until he takes his test on Friday. I do it all day, everyday-spell quite, spell quit, etc when by Wednesday I know all his words by heart. Usually there are a few words he misses and those are the ones we work on all week. Today.....none. He missed none. Not even metamorphosis (the bonus word) which we only worked on for about 10 minutes last night.

I knew that this little detail (him getting all his words correct on Monday) would equal a much easier week this week!

All morning I was on cloud nine thinking how easy this week would be for homework and studying.

As I dropped my kids off at school I felt giddy driving away. I have had this feeling before. Once in highschool after I got my license instead of turning left and following the Rebel footsteps to my school I just on a spontaneous whim kept driving. I kept driving out towards the country where my sister lived 20 minutes away. Yes, I was skipping school. The only time I remember doing it. I didn't plan it. I just did it. I remember clearly the way I felt as I drove past the road I usually turned on. Free! and giddy! And like I had a day of freedom.

This feeling would come again after I became a teacher. If I took a personal day or even a truly sick day after I dropped my kids off as I drove away this feeling would return. Like I was heading off in the open road! Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last! Seriously. This is how my brain works.

SO back to today. As I am processing how I feel about this stay at home mom thing I realized as I dropped my son, then dropped my daughter at school as I drove away and approached the interstate this was the recurring feeling I have....every....single....day!

I have about 5 girlfriends who were full time teachers and now stay at home and when they call me in the middle of the day I have this giddy, sneaky feeling we are all skipping school together :) It makes me happy. I can't help it.

This is another verse I rely on to keep my priorities in check, my worries to a minimum, and my joy high. Each day is a gift. Who knows how many I have left here on Earth?

I think when it says wise it means knowing what truly matters in life. You know, not sweating the small stuff.

Heres another version.

So how do I make the most of my mist? I try to take unadulterated joy in the itty bitty easy tiny moments in my life.

Unadulterated-not mixed or DILUTED with any different or extra elements; complete and absolute. Meaning these little (inexpensive) moments not things are ENOUGH. Enough for me. And undiluted as in when you are embracing a joyful moment rebuke those guilty, fearful, shameful thoughts that try to steal your joy. Unadulturated-undiluted, complete, absolute.

Baking things and sharing them with my family :)

washing, drying, and combing out my dog to snuggle with. The phrase from Despicable Me suits my mood after I do this-He's so fluffy!!!!

Surprising my kids. Here are a few of my favorites so far this year.

The day I randomly picked them up after school packed with bathing suits, popsicles, and took them straight to the pool.


The day I picked them up with popcorn and a movie for the ride home.

Last Friday when I picked them up and it was a HOT 93 degrees so I showed up with ICEES and let them finish a movie they hadn't seen in years-Robots.

Sometimes moments just make me laugh inside like when Warner said in pick up line to me through my window, "Mom, I have to wait for you to pull up." And he was on the sidewalk exactly one step from my door...but a fervent rule follower :)

Now that fall is here I am giddy with anticipation because I know a solid red tree will blow my socks off when I see it! An orange leaf will bring me so much simple joy I will pick it up and hold on to it. The sight of pumpkins will make me heart beat faster!

Joy. Simple yet pure unadulterated Joy. Not from shopping, or buying expensive things, not from getting gifts. Just from noticing the details and doing small things each day.

Listen, I am not joyful all the time. I am moody, hormonally challenged, and grumpy. Luckily, my husband and children humor me and embrace my flaws, but I truly believe if I look for misery it is easy to find- However, so is joy. I'd rather look for joy. Don't miss a moment that you can delight in. Don't speed past it. Take a moment to acknowledge that feeling of spontaneously skipping school even if you're driving down the road on a day off. That's what makes me so happy. Nothing big. We struggle like everyone else. We have moved 5 times since we were married. We will move to a different house again after this one....then probably again. We are on a tight budget paying for medschool and school loans for us both among all the debt we collected living off a resident and teacher salary. I can't worry about tomorrow or stress or begrudge what we have to do to make our family ins and outs work. I can only learn to find joy in the here and now and do the best I can today.