This last Monday was a gorgeous day. 70 degrees. Sunny and golden from all angles except for the occasional crimson bush or tree or vibrant yellow one, everything was golden. The ground was a carpet of golden leaves.
I had a meeting scheduled with a dumb time share that had been hounding me to hold me hostage to sit through a 2 hour meeting to get 4 free plane tickets...blah blah blah. I blew it off- Because of the day and because if I didn't blow off some steam and spend time alone I would turn into one of those TNT moments in the old acme cartoons and truly explode.
I wasn't angry though. I was hurt. Defeated. Deflated. Exhausted.
So I went for a walk. Last minute, I decided the only thing that could bring me more joy than a walk on this particular kind of day was bringing Sonny (my dog child) and watching him enjoy it as well.
So I went to my favorite trail on the Little Harpeth River. It was so beautiful I can't even describe. The river, the colors, the sounds, the trees. It was truly breathtaking. It was for me like a warm, autumnal hug. Comforting me, reassuring me, consoling me.
I was enjoying it so much and watching Sonny quiver with excitement and wag his tail with happiness. The smells of all the dogs that had peed there! The novelty of seeing him scared to cross a bridge over water. The joy when he got to sniff a Golden doodle to say hello.
It was a really good distraction from life. It was a really good reminder of what else is out there for me other than my current and past problems.
I was very wrapped up in the walk and taking in the sights. But at some point I got a text. Another text. Then found myself walking and reading an article on my phone. We were walking and Sonny walks ahead of me usually pulling me. But all of a sudden he stopped.
He stopped dead in the middle of the black paved trail. He sat right down on his haunches and adamantly was not moving forward. It was so strange.
So strange that I looked up from my phone and at him and said out loud, "What's wrong Sonny?"
He looked at me with pleading eyes to not take a step forward. I don't know how to explain the moment to you except the look in his eyes pleaded with me-"Don't take a step forward."
I had been letting him drink from the river and we just passed a tiny dam so I thought maybe he was thirsty. I looked around to see if there was a spot he could drink from because we were after all in mile 3 of our walk.
As I scanned the area exactly 20 feet ahead of us on the side of the trail Sonny was on (the left side) I saw something hunched down.
It looked like a cat. It was watching us. When it realized I (the large human) saw it it ran across the trail and continued on further down the trail in the direction we were heading just a moment ago.
Clear as day it was a large Bobcat.
I've never been that close to a Bobcat before when not in a zoo. I've never even seen a Bobcat in the wild much less right in front of me on a trail in the woods. At first I was paralyzed with fear upon realizing what Sonny was trying to tell me. Then I slowly turned and walked back in the opposite direction wanting to protect Sonny and myself.
In comparison to that Bobcat Sonny was bite sized.
As I walked away I thought of what Sonny had done.
When he planted his furry behind and stopped us.
(This picture is a reenactment long after we were safe. Of course he looked more tired here and definitely couldn't duplicate the pleading look of fear he previously gave.)
But I thought about what he did for me, for us by communicating to me in his own 8 lb doggy way that he sensed danger.
I was truly in wonder because my dog loves everything he comes in contact with-chipmunks, deer, rabbits, big dogs, medium dogs, little dogs, birds.
It just had me in awe that my little dog that will play with anything knew instinctively that wild Bobcat was there and was danger.
I know this may sound insane but with all the hurt and heartache and worry and defeat I was carrying with us on that walk, what Sonny did just made me cry. It was a blatant reminder of this-
Someone is watching over me!
As alone and isolated and frustrated and exhausted that I felt.
Someone was there watching out for me.
And yes that day that someone was my little furry lightweight Sonny. My little furry angel. My little hero. But all of a sudden I realized when I am on my phone, when I don't see what's ahead. God is watching over me too. If an 8lb dog the size of a stuffed animal can protect me from wild dangers unknown, what can my God do?
We turned back and I continued to take in the houses, the trees, the sound of the dry golden leaves crinkling as the cool breeze blew. I let my little Sonny chase leaves down the creek until he got to the end of his leash. Then he looked for the next leaf riding the current past him down the river to chase.
I let him enjoy the river, the water as much as I did. I was in no hurry. Then when we got back on the trail I saw this:
Puppy prints.
They warmed my heart. I don't know why. Maybe because they were so tiny and he just possibly saved my life? But they just did.
We continued walking when I passed these berries. They were so beautiful I took a picture of them.
I looked closely at them thinking they are so bright, so red, they look so enticing and delicious....and they are probably poison.
Poisonous berries.
At this point I was hungry and thirsty and just thought about those silly red glistening berries. I thought about this:
Things are not what they seem. All that glitters is not gold.
Me included. My marriage, my family. I am not perfect. Being married for 13 years and together for 19 years has not been all fun filled vacation photos you see on Facebook. It has been excruciating at times. It has been riddled with silent sacrifices on my part. It has been giving at times and getting nothing back from anyone.
It has been a battle staying together when real people were actively working at tearing us apart. It has felt isolating most of my marriage to have my parents, my sister my family that loves me so far away. To have to care for my children mostly alone while being a working mom. To have people that should love and support me talk to my husband behind my back. To realize people who should be the adults that make up my support system for my marriage turn against me when I felt already so alone and stressed with two small children and a husband training for a grueling medical career that has consumed 75% of everyday of our married lives.
To be told in many ways-You aren't good enough. You need to be more fit, thinner.
To have things outside our marriage be brought in when it had no business being there.
Poisonous berries.
The Bobcat waiting hunched over waiting for you.
But then again...I have Sonny.
Who jumps up and sits on my lap every chance he gets.
I have friends who meet and listen to me when I am nothing but a Debbie Downer that say it doesn't matter, that's what friends are for to laugh with, to cry with, to meet for coffee and help each other live life with.
The very next day I was meeting a friend to run at 7AM. She was smart enough to stay in because it was 30 degrees (yes the next day after that 70 degree autumnal hug day).
But I went. I ran and ran and ran. The cold was a good distraction. How to keep my nose, my hands, my face warm while running took my mind off anything else.
And there's the comfort of Veterans Day-all those people we don't see fighting and serving and sacrificing so you and I may be free.
There's this little boy that I get to take for all his haircuts. And I get to break the cycle of Boys will be Boys and teach him as someone's daughter, wife, mother that what he looks at writes a story on his heart and shapes the man he becomes. And he must be intentional about the choices of what he looks at and puts on his heart. Be careful little eyes what you see... And the exact same for my daughter.
There's unexpected snowy mornings like this morning.
And there is my family the one I helped create. The one that's not perfect. That is more work than fun. The one that brings heartache with happiness.
There are just so many things in our lives other than our problems. Other than Bobcats and Poisonous Berries.
For me why have the poisonous berry when I can have the real deal. The one that is just as beautiful in a different way that will nourish and sustain me and not lead to death? Of course I'm being vague and referring to the symbolic nature of what I'm dealing with right now.
But someone is watching over me. So I get to refocus. Reevaluate. Keep moving forward.
So instead of letting this thought consume me:
I instead focus on this:
And of course this:
So beware of the Bobcats and poisonous berries and if you don't see them coming, don't worry-Someone IS watching over you. And ps. there are times when I think, maybe I'm too honest on here?? But then I think why not? What are we all trying to hide from each other? Life is not about the facade we can paint for others to see but instead about relationships and honesty and learning from it all.
