Cordial Cherries. The time of year I love to eat them is NOW! And the grocery store knows this! So this cherry purchased the first of Nov has lead to this!
It's like timing is everything in life right? Learning, joy, pain. It's the main ingredient.
A few years ago (about 4) I was feeling a very frightening anxious feeling all the time. I was always the one in my family that didn't suffer from anxiety so it was an uneasy feeling for me. We had just moved to Nashville. I didn't have a job yet and it wasn't set in stone where my kids would attend school. My husband was starting a brand new residency at a new hospital with new people. I didn't have a single friend in town yet. Even after the loose ends of schools and work were tied up for me I was still anxious. It was a scary feeling that I couldn't make go away. I was on my 3rd move since I was married. With every move came new jobs, schools for my kids, home, discombobulation of my brain! Months after we were settled my stomach was still in knots my nerves were always fired up. Anyway, I talked to my mom about this uneasy feeling. I pinned this Bible study on my I <3 Books Pinterest board and then about a week later my mom sent it to me.
I studied the first 2 chapters word for word. I prayed the prayers and honestly I made 4 amazing wonderful friends after I started teaching. I set the book down never to be picked up again. Until today.
I finished my Frazzled Female Bible Study and again was feeling anxious. Maybe because it's genetic, maybe finances, maybe just being a mom and wife around the hectic holidays. I don't know but I picked it up and started the Bible study again. And honestly I think the timing was all in God's perfect time.
This morning was FREEZING! I put on my fleece lined leggings and woke the kids up. Got them stirring and dressed and headed downstairs to let the dog out. I made the husband's coffee, packed a couple of lunches, scrambled eggs, toasted waffles, packed snacks, checked backpacks, got a hug and kiss and sent them all on their merry way!
I went and got my Bible Study and turned to the last place where I had underlined and jotted notes to pick up where I left off about 3 nearly 4 years ago.
Here is where I left:
All about controlling our negative thoughts and actually practicing praying over worrying. Right where I needed to pick up after 4 years of setting this book down. 3 houses later the book is back in my lap and helping to heal me in places I didn't even know needed healing.
This reminded me a lot of the beginning of this Bible Study I read and liked:
But I love this one even more. Some of the things I read today had me so inspired, enlightened, comforted I had to share it.
The beginning verses were all about how God made us, Designed us exactly as we are. It made me think of how much thought was probably put into that. It made me think of all my imperfections (or what I think are imperfections). It also reminded me of my children making me a gift. They have given me so many from daycare. Last night I convinced my husband to put up our Christmas tree way earlier than usual. My favorite things are the little paper ornaments that are traced outlines of my kids' toddler hands. Those are the ones that I cherish the most. We laugh and remember. We treasure that stage of their lives as we proudly over load the tree until it's a fire hazard.
I thought about the mothers' day presents I've gotten.
This little vase you wouldn't know how much I love it. How perfect it is in it's imperfections. W gave it to me when he was just 1 year old and painted it himself. Did I return it or criticize it because it wasn't a custom crystal vase? No! I cherish it. I put it where I can see it everyday. I put roses in it from my rose bush. It is perfectly imperfect.
Take a look at these two pieces of pottery-
The first is my everyday China I picked out before our wedding. Paul and I picked it out together, it's called Night and Day haha perfect for us and our personalities. But other than that it is replaceable. The second I made the day after my birthday the day before W's and he was going to be 3.
I chose the color of the paint. My favorite color. I carefully drew the design. I let the kids pick the colors and put their little handprints on it. It is more valuable than the first. Why? It was made with love and filled with a memory of me and my children and friends on that day.
This piece of Wedgwood China can be replaced.
But this plate is one of a kind.
The next two excerpts from "Calm My Anxious Heart" Spoke So very deeply to me and drove home the point we are all one of a kind masterpieces.
We are made with love. That is why we are priceless. Not because of a detail valued by the world.
I have to say my mom is and was a great mom to me as a daughter. She never, not once criticized or alluded to anything negative about the way I look. Not once. If anything she praised me with overflow of my physicalities. When I was a teenager I was once asked by a woman my weight over the dinner table. When I stated it, it was met with "I didn't know you weighed that much!" I didn't really think it was an odd number? But it stung. That's not something my mom ever did. She was always, "You are beautiful, you are perfect the way you are!" She knew I was made whole.
I read on today and there was a poem by Helen Keller. It was so beautiful. It made me think about things I haven't in a long time.
I realized it was possible that Helen Keller was deaf and blind for a purpose. A miracle disguised as disabilities. It made me ponder on my life. My son. He was born with severe hearing loss. We to this day don't know why. At the beginning it came as a shock to me because my 2 pregnancies were the same. I did the same things. The first year of his life appointments were frequent. The geneticist told me hearing loss usually gets worse not better. So we had many many hearing tests done to determine his needs and to see if there were any significant changes. I went to them alone. My husband was in a grueling general surgery residency and lived many days and nights at the hospital. Dealing with this new challenge with another 3 year old precious daughter- well, it was painful.
I remember crying one night and W was in the basinet beside our bed. My husband asked what was wrong and I said I couldn't "fix" what was wrong with W. My husband's words surprised me. He said, "He doesn't need to be fixed." He knew what took me a little longer to realize. W was whole as he was.
Someone made a comment to my husband that what my child needed was prayer. This ripped my heart out when I read it. It ripped my heart out because who could be praying for the baby I carried in my body for 40 weeks more than me?
It ripped my heart out because every hearing appointment I went to alone I would nurse W until he fell asleep because he had to be perfectly still for the hearing test to work so I held him perfectly still while they stuck little suction cups to him testing neurological signals and prayed. During every test I prayed the whole time-every one. I don't know if any prayer can be stronger than a new mother's prayer with her sleeping baby in her arms. But sometimes God knows what was planned and doesn't grant what we don't need. Somethings are designed with a purpose we can't know.
But this woman that said this to my husband was wrong. So was I. I truly believe my son. Me. Our family of 4 would not be the family we are if W was born differently. I believe his hearing is part of his miracle and his plan in this life as much as Helen Keller's was for her. My husband knew this. It saved him heartache and worry. I wished I would have gotten it sooner. I realized reading today we are whole. Not because of our body-our breasts, our ears, our sight, our stomachs. But because of our soul.
So here I am. Sitting imperfectly feeling like all is well in the world for a moment.
Because of the timing of this book. I realize I give power to the things of the world that are false. I can change that by my thoughts.
Here is the reality of my great night last night:
Here is the Instagram of the night-
I don't know if you missed it so here's the pic I didn't post on any social media!!
Did you notice what was missing in the others? My belly!
And no! I am not pregnant I have had a total hysterectomy to get rid of endometriosis. That belly is here to stay (unless tucked or sucked out!) Even though I have ran, walked, or biked a total of 25.8 miles last week I have a belly.
Even though I have focussed on abs this week and done squats every time I go to the laundry room (ten per trip) I still have a belly! Maybe because it is my grandmother's, aunt's, mom's, and sister's shape. Maybe because of this?
I came across these pictures the other night because W asked me what I looked like when he was in my belly. And so I went back to our old pictures and showed him these. Wow. It put everything into perspective. How blessed. What a privilege to experience carrying him and his sister for 9 months. What a miracle!
The world tells us we are never enough because we aren't perfect. The Lord tells us we are whole and perfect not because of our body or abilities but because of his love! So that is what I am delighting on today like those perfect cordial cherries that bring sweet memories of my sister eating them and placing the cherry back in the box knowing I her little sister would come behind her and eat it!
That's my delicacy of the day! My cordial cherry! I am whole because of his love. And he made me all of me. He made me soft and sensitive so I could mother my children and touch the lives of my students. He made me creative and wordy to give peace, hope, love, to other moms and women, and he made my body as His temple.
We are whole.
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