I haven't been blogging as much because I have been battling turbulence in my brain! The decision to go back to work when I was so uncertain. The emotions that I really needed to go back to work due to our finances. The battle of seeing my baby girl struggle to find her place in a new school with new friends and basically a whole new life for her outside of home.
That's the hardest part. I know how to go to work. I know it will help contribute financially. Those decisions don't really "hurt". But hearing my tween have moments of tears, moments of discomfort, moments of pain because she is finding her way-that hurts.
Last night she tried out a basketball practice. I sat on the sidelines and watched. To me it looked like a practice for girls that played college ball. To me she was brave. She was doing amazing. To her she was struggling to do something awkward that she has never done and in front of her peers. I so vividly remember being her age 10 and in 5th grade. I was a bit awkward and not like everyone else. I had a wild flare of a fashion sense. Picture me in dark blue/turquoise and black leopard print leggings (hand me downs from someone) before leggings were cool, paired with a hot pink sweater that had a colorful bowl of ice cream knitted on it with a 3-d cherry on top.... it was my favorite sweater!
I can't say I regret wearing that. That's who I was. Braiding my hair in a thousand tiny braids so I could wake up and take them out all wavy and kinky but then liking them so much I just wore the braids the next day. I suppose I was bold too.
After basketball practice was over I knew the verdict. I could see it on her pale face. In the car on the way home M cried. She said she didn't want to play. I told her she did great but through tears she said, "But they all know what to do. They've all played before." Honestly I couldn't tell much of a difference at all watching the practice, but to her it was glaring. I explained you have to start somewhere. I told her about how I started dance class in 7th grade and everyone was way ahead of me having done it their whole lives. I felt "behind" "embarrassed" too. But if you want to do something you have to start somewhere. Looking back it was worth it for to me. Not everyone gets paid to dance in college on a college football field. For me it was worth it.
She said, "I think I'll stick to softball and running cross country." I laughed and said, "Well you are brave because you couldn't have paid me a million dollars to do what you did today!" But her pain is mine times a thousand because I carried her in my body. Because I held her when nothing else mattered in the world when she was a baby. I explained to her she doesn't have to be good at everything. Just because her peers are playing a sport doesn't mean she has to. Because that is what this was about. She never wanted to play basketball and went into it reluctantly because she wanted to feel part of the group.
What really hurts is this child just made straight A's. The mom next to me was complaining about her child needing tutoring and had a C in math. I remained quiet but thoughtful. M just had a beautiful original photograph make it to the finals in the school wide photography contest. She won an award for the school wide AR contest and had lunch with a famous author. She doesn't even consider her talent. Right now in 5th grade all that matters is that her friends play a sport that she doesn't. Isn't middle school such a crazy time where girls tend to see what they are not and not what they ARE!
I remember how that felt like it was yesterday. Always feeling like I stuck out like a sore thumb. So I went to bed last night in a quandary. Perplexed as to how I can parent her to be a strong, independent young woman, forgiving of her flaws and appreciative of her strengths.
Then woke up to the sun.
I have to say for a while now maybe since I read this last year at this time:
When I wake up I repeat this mantra as my two feet swing around and hit the ground: His Grace is new every morning. Every morning. It's a habit now.
It's a reminder as I wake:
This morning I felt better. I got to sleep in. It is fall break. I still have butterflies about going back to work. But M is seemingly happy and joyful. A new day. So we did something that we started last November that was spontaneous on my part but left a very lasting impression on my children. We drove to Krispy Kreme in our pajamas for the fall specialty doughnuts. LOL something so simple.
This was last year:
We lived in a 1500 sq ft 100 hundred year old cabin.
We were closer than ever-physically and as a family. If it had not been for the mold and the flooding we would still live there today probably.
But here we are this morning a year later. Brushing off the worries and dust of yesterday heading for doughnuts in our pjs.
Something so little that brings my kids so much joy....
An $11 box of doughnuts that we get probably once or twice a year! When things seem so complicated one day the next day they are so simple...
So we came home and Warner and I made some cheesy scrambled eggs (to hopefully absorb some of the sugar) and had a simple yet memorable fall breakfast.
When I was thinking about what I wanted to blog today I thought of those pics from last year's KK pj trip. I pulled them up and couldn't help but notice how much has changed in a single year. M has gone from a backseat rider to a front seat passenger. W has changed tremendously. I mean he went from a dangly front baby tooth to two big adult front teeth! Mary has braces! (Funny how you can measure time with teeth like we are horses!) We don't even have the old explorer that I got upon graduating from college with my fiancé's help in purchasing it anymore. We live in a different house. And I mean now there is even a new doughnut in the Halloween mix:
Next year will also be completely different and I have a strong feeling we will live in yet another house-4 in 4 years makes sense right?? But as M said on the way home from the Krispy Kreme. I guess that's good. Change is good right?
So painful or playful, however it is, I am continuing to embrace what comes. I am so so very grateful for each NEW morning filled with NEW grace, NEW mercy, and NEW possibilities.
I have to be very honest. I don't blog to be famous. I don't blog thinking that anyone will read it! As a matter of fact upon checking the stats I'm always amazed and humbled that people from all over the world are reading. I really don't blog to give advice. I want to blog to look back and read it and reflect on where I've been. I enjoy sharing it with others in the event that they too connect to what I go through as a woman, a wife, a mom day to day. But this time I do have the most poignant advice-Give yourself the next morning. As wives we fail. As moms we struggle. As women we feel misunderstood but give yourself the morning after to receive new grace, new mercy, and a new day!
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