The Working Mom Me

For the past 7 weeks I have been working again. I fell back into teaching like a glove. It was easy. I am good at it. While I am at school I like it. It's when I am at home that's the problem. Between M playing volleyball twice a week, W playing basketball twice a week, and me continuing to tutor T twice a week after school then bring him home, I am beyond a mess. Beyond tired. Beyond stretched too thin. I spent the whole of yesterday with chest pains and my left arm hurting. I am too tired to even think of cooking. I woke up to this as I opened my eyes this morning:

Despite me pleading for 13 years for my husband not to "help" with the laundry if it means clean laundry will end up for days maybe weeks on the floor causing my stress level to skyrocket...

My house is a mess and while some can overlook that I cannot. It is in my wiring. I see dirty dishes, clean laundry covering the floor and my body reacts in a very unhealthy stress filled way.

So like everything in life the working mom me has come with many ups and downs. While no one knew me at a school we were fairly new to, now everyone does. Kids that are not mine once again know my name and use it frequently all day, are hugging me in public places, giving me sweet notes, and compliments.

Then, you have my own 2 kids. Despite the fact that I've never worked harder in my life to provide for them-groceries, field trip money, money for their entertainment-movies, gifts for friends' birthday parties, new clothes for volleyball etc. they like and appreciate me currently at an all time low. Why? I am tired. I have no spunk by the time I get home. My creativity is shot because I've used it all up in the classroom. I'm in a hurry again. And number 1 on the list...I am grumpy very grumpy because my body is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. And I am left with an overwhelming feeling of drapetomania:

My husband wants to know why my son's grades have dropped in the past 7 weeks? I am solely responsible for all things school related for M and W. Because I do it alone without any complaints maybe it just looked.....easy? Maybe no one realized how hard the speech scheduling, the language tutoring, the homework checking, the studying for spelling tests, the editing writing assignments, the making a 7 year old redo work until it was right, actually were or how much of my time was required to do it all.

Tomorrow I will get up between 5 and 5:30AM, and make sure the kids are dressed with the school uniforms I will have laid out for them tonight. I will make them breakfast, pack their lunches or snacks, or water bottles, sign their notes, dole out their field trip money, herd them into the car by 6:45AM. I will reschedule M's orthodontist appointment and my after school Monday tutoring because it is my turn to carpool the volleyball team to practice tomorrow which I will have to leave work early to do and will return with a load of girls at 6:30 pm. I will teach for 8 hours and squeeze in a 20 minute lunch of pretzels and a cheese stick (because of course I still have to watch my weight). I will read emails from 2 accounts and continue on with my room mom duties preparing for the Valentine's Day party and Teacher Appreciation Week. I volunteered for this room mom job when I thought I would have more than enough extra time this year to do it and most importantly because I wanted to and still do.

It doesn't really matter that I am worn down to those in my household. I have done a terrible injustice to myself. I have played the unrealistic role of supermom for 11 years doing everything without any help from anyone and very little complaining-actually priding myself that I COULD do it all. Because I have done this, my husband thinks any little bit of help like picking up a pizza or cooking a couple nights out of the week or moving laundry from the washer to the dryer to the floor is a big deal. And yet I am left still stressed out still exhausted and still expected to do it all.

I have often been envious of those moms I see that can depend on and drop their kids off at the grandparents' or the aunt's house for a quick afternoon or weekend. Or have people. People that can keep the kids on a teacher inservice day or pick them up from school for an orthodontist appointment or help schlep them to a volleyball game. Or just help in general.

I am back to square one in that I realize if anyone will "treat" me it will be me. If anyone will plan something special for me it will be me. And if I don't do it then it won't get done.

Had I known this, the working mom me from 11 years ago would not have suffered to be supermom or taken pride in doing it all alone. Unfortunately, it's like those commercials that played about the moms on the floor having had a heart attack in the midst of being "supermom". The commercials about ignoring the warning signs.

The working mom me is highly engaged, appreciated during working hours, admired from 7:45-3:15 and contributes financially. My neighbors don't comment what do you DO all day to me the working mom, but instead compliment on the role of teacher.

On the flip side the working mom me doesn't sketch or do art anymore. I don't blog much because there is very little time. I'm too exhausted to enjoy life. And while I'm doling out the cash for the family expenses no one seems to appreciate the toll it is taking on my body.