The Selfish Christian

So today's blog is a sticky one that I have been rolling around in my mind the last week. But aren't they all! I know many have seen the video of Victoria Osteen preaching about how we should go to church not for God but for ourselves to make ourselves happy. She did say awkwardly that God delights in us being happy. First of all, I DO believe that God delights in our well being and joy. Over and over the Bible teaches us about joy-encourages joy.

I believe she had well intentions of saying something that came out terribly. I believe that just like David the murderer, Jonah the runner, Rahab the prostitute, and Peter who out right denied the Lord (the list goes on) that God never used one perfect person because the perfection is never the person but the Lord himself.

But back to the Osteen faux pas. It got me thinking-I want my children to be happy. I don't want them to do it for me. If I were to be able to watch my children throughout their lives make choices that made them happy and fulfilled-healthy joyful choices I would be the happiest parent around. Isn't God our father? Doesn't he WANT us to experience JOY? I think this is where she was going. Hopefully.

My post today isn't about Victoria though! I just thought of this whole thing and suddenly instead of judging her statement, her person, her and Joel's ministry I just felt like as a CHRISTIAN-I AM SELFISH.

I chose to stay at home to be a mom NOT for my kids or husband *GASP* but SELFISHLY for myself. My kids were proud to have a teacher mom. They delighted in playing in my classroom. My husband benefitted from my measly $50,000+ a year I brought home. But I had a moment 3 years ago, I was sitting at our little hand me down breakfast table in our dining room with my children. M was 7 and W was 4 they were both in school and I was helping them with homework and teaching them. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. I never had this feeling before that moment that I selfishly wanted to watch my children grow more, I wanted to bask in them, I wanted more of them. The feeling hit me again last year when I was smiling and keeping a loving tone with my students and was being chipper Mrs. Papillion and my daughter walked in my classroom to get her lunch or ask me something and my true colors came out-my face fell, I was grumpy and a whole different me. When she walked away I instantly saw what happened and was displeased with myself. I very guiltily asked myself in that moment, "Do I love these students more than my own daughter?"

I knew the answer was no but had to sort out, how can I be patient, happy, easy going with the most difficult students and let it all change with my own kids?? It was simple. I was tired. Over stretched. In that moment I made a hard decision for me. I wanted to give my best self to my own kids.

Here's the selfish part of me. I didn't do it for them. I was ashamed at that moment the difference in what I gave of myself to my kids versus other people's kids. I wanted to feel better. I wanted selfishly to watch my kids grow up slowly not like a tornado or whirl wind of activities. I wanted to bask a while in MY OWN life. I prayed a lot about it and asked the Lord what to do.


Ultimately, I felt without a doubt God was ok with me devoting myself to these two children he so lovingly graciously gave me in the first place.

I cannot lie. It was MY selfish decision. I did it NOT because I felt this is what ALL WOMEN should do! I did it for far more a simple reason-BECAUSE I WANTED TO. It is what brings me joy everyday.

I feel different about my daughter especially than I did last year and the year before and the year before. I feel about her the way I did when she was an only child. After her brother was born I was not the mother I was before to her. I was stressed out with two babies. I was heart broken about learning of my son's hearing loss which for a month my husband and I kept only to ourselves. I cried in the shower and then just tried to put on a happy face for the adorable sweet 3 year old waiting for me to get out of the bathroom to play with her. Even after that came years of learning how to take care of and get intervention for her brother. There was a point many points after we got W's hearing and speech sorted out to the point that I wasn't fearful anymore of what lies ahead for him that I looked at her and I was heart broken because she didn't get the mommy I had planned to be for her. It wasn't fair.

When she was 7 and W was 4 I wanted a do over-for her. I wanted to go back and relive the moments calmer, happier, more confident for her. But I couldn't so I SELFISHLY wanted to for my own conscience work on being a better mom to her the next 8 years before she is grown and moving on in life. See, as a parent of a baby many times we are just trying to parent without fear or guilt. Then when you have more than one child you are the juggling parent. But something happened when my little girl turned 10. I turned selfish. I realized all this time she was growing and growing and time waits on no parent to learn how to "get it right". Time keeps marching on. One day I realized we have 8 measly more years with our baby.

So it was a selfish decision that I personally wanted. I did it to bring me joy. Many things I do as a mom I do out of selfishness. I prefer a clean house. When I walk into my house and it is spotless I feel like it is Christmas morning, like I am at a day spa, like I have glimpsed a rainbow! You get the drift. So I clean. honestly my kids and husband could care a less unless they don't have underwear or clothes for work or school. So recently I have realized all my decorating, cleaning is something I do for ME.

Yesterday I decided even though fall was weeks away (officially) I needed a little fall in my life! So I redecorated the house. When I finished I vacuumed and while I was vacuuming it started raining-a light drizzle and the kids were playing in the back yard. I took these pictures and just stood watching them be kids.

I got so much joy from watching them dance and play in the rain. I didn't really have another care in the world watching them at that moment.

I am a selfish Christian. I am not perfect. I make mistakes-we ALL do. I sin. I am vain. When I get in the car and see a good hair day or lipstick color I like I take a selfie before I pull out of the drive because the lighting is so awesome in the car! Haha.

And I don't even smile. HA!

Yesterday Mary came to me and recited this week's Bible verse for school. When she recited it from memory to me, she spoke to me in such a wonderful way. Here is her verse for this week:

I loved loved loved this verse. I giggled to myself thinking of God saying, "Mind ya business, mind ya business!" I realized God is ok with me loving my family, taking care of my family because it is MY heart's desire. God's work starts first in our own heart, then in our family, then radiates into the world as we go out filled to the brim with His love, peace, passion, and understanding.

Here the verse is again and notice the next sentence after-People will respect you for how you live! You mean we don't have to convict our neighbors? No. We don't have to proselytize? No We don't have to defend ourselves for our selfish choices on HOW we choose to live? No.

I believe with all my heart that even when we misspeak, misparent, make choices that are selfish that if we truly seek the Lord he will always find us. Always-right where we are. Right in the middle of our selfish mess.

Lately, I have been covered in the word of God. I never knew our choice to place our children in a Christian school would affect our whole family so much. It was again a selfish choice to benefit our children. But God used that selfish choice to saturate our family this year in his word and love. Everyday when the kids come home and tell me about their verse for the week, the school Mission-Love to learn, learn to love, and live to serve, their Chapel lesson I feel they are blessing and teaching me.

Their experience this year so far with the study of the Bible all day through all they learn has taught me to go there too when I selfishly am in need. God doesn't care if we are selfish. He simply says seek and we WILL find when we search with all our hearts.

So lately when I am fearful because of the nightmares I hear from the NBC nightly news and images of evil in black masks literally terrifying the world I go to HIm. These are the scriptures that God has given me or led me to find to bring peace to my fearful soul.

And I am reminded I serve a GOOD God that loves ALL of us no matter what and is more mighty and powerful than we can fathom.

Today I drove the kids to school wearing this:

Yes my nightgown. I drove the kids to school in my nightgown! My my my how my standards have surely changed. But anyway as I drove home (in my white nightgown) I saw these towering clouds over our neighborhood. I couldn't help thinking they were the size of like 10 houses. The clouds were SO BIG! It mesmerized me. I suddenly felt such a peace that MY GOD was the creator of THAT and that he was so much bigger than that even. Seek and you will find.

Then I selfishly enjoyed a quiet, clean house and made myself an indulgent breakfast.

I have learned that I do not have to have others understand, condone, or agree with me. Not as a person, a stay at home mom, a teacher. I can as 1 Timothy says mind my own business! Live a quiet life and use my hands!

It doesn't matter what others think that this brings joy to my heart at this stage in my life:

It doesn't matter that some people may think this mind set is selfish:

I choose what brings me joy in this life-real joy. Not the kind that wears out with a prescription or leaves you with a hang over or hurts someone. Pure joy. It sometimes is a selfish thing. But I'm doing it.