The Ups and Downs of "Just"

The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Maybe it seems melodramatic but adjusting to a new way of life is never easy...for anyone.

It's hard to explain but we have a caste system in America. It's not one we admit to. But we do. It deals less with birth, but has more to do with titles. AKA jobs. When we meet a new person, we don't usually ask what they are passionate about or what makes them tick. We ask them what they "do". Even when people are asked, "Tell me about yourself?" I too was guilty of saying, "Well, I AM a teacher, I have 2 kids......" and the list goes on.

I am guilty along with others of this way of thinking so much that since August 1st when I meet new people (and with 2 kids at 2 new schools and a husband starting in a new practice I have been meeting a LOT of new people) I get asked what I "do". I say I'm a stay at home mom and then proceed to give the rest of my resume that I WAS a teacher for 13 years blah blah blah as if that adds to my worth. And unfortunately, I see the look in people's eyes that it does seem to add to my worth to them.

It's pride. It's pride people. It's caring far too much what others think of my rank in this non acknowledged caste system. I had a friend who I met a couple of years ago as a parent to one of my students. She is a constitutional lawyer. That's the kind of title that makes me go Wow! in my head. She took a couple of years off to "just" be a mom. The drastic change and adjusting to the new role required counseling. It is a hard bit to swallow the way our society or some of it looks at a person when you are "just" a mom. Since then, this mom has returned to work. But her experience was invaluable. Not only the time she had with her children but the way she looked at people after. She was always so respectful and appreciative as my role as a classroom teacher. She never acted towards me like I had a lesser job. I can guarantee she never thought of anyone as "just" a mom after her experience. She valued the role because she experienced it.

That's the thing, how can you have an opinion whatsoever about teachers, moms, doctors, etc. until you have done the job and done it well. I know there are those who get it. It's the older gentlemen who have lived and learned through their own wives. They say to me when I respond that I am a stay at home mom, "Oh! So what you really mean is you are busier than ever!" or women who have done it say, "You will never regret taking this time to raise your children." These people get it because they have done it.

You know when someone has used a lot of child care or has no children when they ask, "What do you DO all day?" And yes, I have been asked this question already.

I still remember vividly the time I was at a meet and greet for new residents and the spouses were along to help tell about Chattanooga. A female resident interviewer was there and the ladies were all talking to her. The possible new resident went around the circle of wives, "what do you do? What do you do?" (I now know assessing their worth) I said, "I'm an elementary teacher." She dismissively moved on to the next-a nurse anesthetist. She said to that wife, "Oh! So you're "really" smart!" I won't lie. I loved my job because I felt God called me to that career because of my experiences as a young child and the joy and stability my teachers brought to me during trying times that sometimes made a turbulent childhood. But in that moment I realized-parts of society think I do this because it is "all" I am smart enough to do? AND that teachers aren't smart?. I won't elaborate ALL that a 4th grader learns in one year in Social Studies, Science, Language, Math. When you are a parent and experience the homework of a 4th grader and up you would never make a comment like that one! There were many years during my cross examination debate squad years (4 years) that I wanted to be a lawyer. I was really great at debate, unusually so with my partner Kristin A, because we were so young and *gulp* female! But in the end, this was not what the Lord put on my heart as my calling.

The point is- I was deflated because of what someone else, a complete stranger thought of me. And now in this unspoken caste system I decided to forgo my 13 years of learning, experience, training, and 2 degrees to "drop a level" to be a stay at home mom. (Please know this is not my way of thinking!) It is joyous. I watch my kids grow. I am not too busy to read and sign every note. To prepare cute and fun lunches, to make so much better breakfasts than when I was trying to fly out the door and get to work on time yelling my head off each morning. I take pride in the little accomplishments like this first ever time fish tail braid my daughter asked for this morning:

At first when my daughter requested the braid I had a moment of panic! But I looked at the clock and realized-I had TIME.


A few days ago someone made a comment to my daughter in front of me that she was going to "be a bio engineer not no homemaker".

The emotions and rage flooded my senses. NOT because this person like the one in the story above insulted me to my face and thought I wasn't "smart" because I AM a homemaker or valuable or worth while, but I was overwhelmed that my daughter may grow up and dream of having AND raising her own children one day and society will frown upon her or think she (my little reading, math genius) is not smart or important.

Even more heart wrenching is how much my sweet son talks to me about him one day being a dad. He is fascinated with babies and asks often, "Mom, do you think I'll be a good dad?" What if HE heaven forbid wants to be "just" a dad??? What if he has to buck the whole dr, lawyer, accountant caste system for men and chooses to make loving his children his life goal? What will he go through to do so if he should choose?

I have to admit at the time of these pics I was teaching them to make my mom's homemade awesome banana bread and pumpkin pie muffins:

I couldn't help thinking if I sold these baked goods for a high price I would be viewed in our society as a talented cooking business genius, BUT if I prepare them to be enjoyed by my family only and maybe a few friends I share with then I am "just a homemaker" to many people's thinking.

The only difference? Money. We use money to assign value to people. The two things have nothing to do with each other-money and a person's value.

So I am fighting a battle in my own head and how I deal with those around me with the preconceived ideas of money=value. To be honest, somedays it is a winning battle in my head and somedays a tearful losing battle.

Somedays I walk around in my nightgown with pure pride!

I even love playing into the role. I truly DO walk around with velcro rollers in my hair now and didn't before because they don't work unless you have TIME to leave them in!

Somedays I am overjoyed that not only am I a stay at home mom, but I AM still a teacher, and when my son misses a problem on his math test I have my own place value kit to tutor him with at my breakfast table.

To be honest I have been approached a few times in the last month with job opportunities in the teaching field. I instantly want to say yes! But for all the wrong reasons. I want to be respected as a "smart" part of the caste system again or a "valuable" member of society. Luckily, I remain quiet and still am thinking on the offers because what I really want in my heart? Is to do this:

Cook a nice dinner for my children and husband when he gets home from a long day at work.

And this:

Chauffeur my kids to their appointments and catch the moments when my son is in awe of his big sister.

And this:

Be a mom.

Regardless of what people think of my intelligence, my talents or lack there of, my business sense, my ability.....I choose and want to be a homemaker.

ps. I saw this on Facebook the other day and it really spoke to my soul:

It spoke to me because I'm 35 and who knows what else I will "do" or achieve in my life. You are never too old to change it up and do what God is calling you to do. Who says God called us to do ONE thing? There are things we will accomplish ALL throughout our lives and we never know what is around the bend.