This Summer...Will I Regret This in the Morning?

The other day someone I barely know yet gave me the sweetest compliment. She said I was a good writer. This was the ultimate for me. Then she mentioned a blog I wrote. I immediately felt convicted. I knew what blog she referred to. It was a beautiful (probably the most beautiful thing I've written) post about being loved unconditionally. I felt convicted because I have gone through weeks of self-loathing since I wrote it through tears as a reminder of God's unconditional love.

For me all it takes is my husband even alluding to my shape or size needing exercise or weight loss and I am done. All bets are off. Even if it was my idea hearing it from him just does me in- TKO. I have seen lately on twitter and Facebook all these videos on women against body shaming. The shaming that occurs on the street, the shaming of that poor Canadian woman on the beach with the stretch marks. Well, I realized as I read those that I am the worst body shamer. I never do it to other women....ever. I can spot the beauty in any woman I meet literally all of them. I do it to myself.

This is what I have been doing all summer. Trying to cover this behind and this belly full of scars...

I have been telling my closest girlfriends how I have found the solution... The retro bikini. Hi waisted bottoms with a cute bikini top...

Then as the summer went by I told my same girlfriends the downfall....I loved the retro look until I turned around....and witnessed the mom butt....The wheelbarrow behind.

But this summer has been full of ups too.

Then after the big adventure came Paul's completion of his fellowship...

Then the down time came. All through residency I felt we were truly in it together. Even the celebration was so inclusive of the spouses. But on the night I knew there would be pictures and I drug 2 children all around the Green Hills Mall so I could find a dress that would hide the fact that I had just enjoyed a 7 day cruise with an all you can eat perk for 7 days. I don't know if it was the eventual arguing of my two children over who got to help zip me up next, or sheer exhaustion, or just defeat but I found this dress on sale at the Banana Republic so it had to be the one. This was the beginning of the spiral of my body loathing that lasted all summer long:



I felt great all night long. Exactly like the Little Mermaid would feel with legs. My kids picked everything down to the jewelry. My daughter said everyone's going to love your dress! My husband noted the material looks like that of a chair... And I should of known better than to go with pleats AND pockets...but I'm a teacher at heart and we LOVE dresses with pockets??? When I saw these pictures I cringed. I saw that all you can eat cruise all over this dress.

Then came the real world. Paul leaving for work and me staying at home. All summer long. He was ecstatic with his new role and job and me a lost puppy. I felt alone. Left out. I felt like I wasn't part of the equation anymore because he was busy and I was stuck at home, me and the kids. I tend to nit pick myself in the downtime...especially in summer....especially when I have to do activities that require a bathing suit.

I admit that I could have put on a big ole skirt momsuit and conceded defeat. But that is just not me. Please if you wear these know I admire you in it. However I am the put on the suit I could have worn at age 20 and harass myself over and over that I now look a dismal excuse of 35 in it.

I tried eating healthy for about 5 weeks...I lost 3 lbs. I was starving, moody, and volatile. I have weighed everyday. Everyday this summer. And everyday came the shaming. From myself. The worst kind. And this is where this blog gets tricky. Tricky because I'm being honest about my thoughts. Most of us women do it...but we aren't supposed to talk about it are we? Acknowledge that among all our support of all shapes, all sizes, all ages of female bodies...the ones we pick on the most are our own. I tend to take my own picture when I have a day that I think wow, I FEEL good today because no one else takes picture of the photographer and moms are the record keepers. Just the other day I truly felt disgusted with myself. A feeling I NEVER want my own daughter to feel of her own body. And the little optimistic bird in my head ever so slightly whispered, "But your hair looks good!"

So I took my own picture to remind me-no matter the size today the hair looks good. (Thank you hot rollers!) This is the same day. I felt bigger in the white so I changed...then probably changed again.

You know what these next pictures have in common? I was living in a teeny tiny cabin and for 10 months I didn't have a full length mirror. I never weighed once. And I was happy and felt perfectly confident. Granted most of those months I was dealing with a lot of pain, had a complete hysterectomy and was diagnosed with an incurable bladder condition so I just didn't have time to worry about a number on a scale. And then I moved and saw myself after 10 blissful non full length mirror months and I gasped! When I realized what I looked like from the waist down I actually apologized at work to a woman I did not know one day and said, "Sorry I haven't had a full length mirror in 10 months..."

But I did look happy. I don't have an answer for myself. Do I want my body to look great for myself, for my husband?...yes. Am I willing to sacrifice my house cleaning, cooking,volunteering, and child rearing time to body build? no. Will I have more time to work out now that I am a SAHM? I think so. Do I want to feel loved even though my physique is not perfect and NEVER will be? Yes. And most of all do I want to be loved for ALL the other reasons....

Because I devote my life to loving my family, my kids. Because I give all I have most days to them. Yes and a thousand times yes. I wish everyone could see that is the beauty that never fades...never needs Botox, and only gets better with age. Seeing someone's talent is beautiful. Acknowledging that art comes in all kinds. That is beautiful. Can't beauty be in the creativity? In life?

I'd rather be known for being smart than pretty. I'd rather be known for being talented than sexy. I'd rather be known as a loving soul than attractive. I'd rather be known for the legacy I leave these two.

When I took this picture of myself...

I put the camera down and laughed then cried. I noticed my shirt in the camera phone...and realized I felt anything but loved. All week I had berated myself. I was too heavy gained back 2 of the pounds I lost despite keeping an impossible 1200 calorie diet for 4 weeks straight. My skin was no longer firm on my tummy. I joked with my girlfriends that week my butt was now a foot lower than it was supposed to be.

All summer I have erased any picture full length of me. Isn't it funny how from the rib cage up can look so great from an arms length? But get the whole shebang and the curves pop out of nowhere?

But here's the deal. My little boy is only to my waist. He looks at me from that horrendous angle and he sees the world. He says ridiculously loving things every day like, "Who's my sweet girl????" Isn't that amazing? That from that angle he is just over the moon for me? And what do I teach my middle schooler that looks at my every move with a magnifying glass. The one that said, "Mom, why did you change 3 times before the orientation today??"

I know some people may read this and say

1. This is ridiculous you don't have anything to worry about? But that doesn't help me when my pants are too tight, or shirts about to bust a zipper, or someone I love looks at me as if I am a disappointment or

2.Dang this mom takes more selfies than Kim K on her Thailand trip for her selfie book for Kanye! or

3. Just work out!

The point is this summer above all else has been a real challenge. A lesson on what not to do. A lesson on what it feels like to shame myself on a daily basis. It has been a lesson that I need to learn to love myself even when others think I'm not the right size, shape. Even when others may not appreciate my gifts and talents. Even when I am having a hard time loving myself.

So here's a selfie for the road...literally. No one told me I looked nice this day but I did think it myself:

But only because I ran away on this day and did this:

And this:

:) And will try to tell myself this on a daily basis no matter what I am feeling or those around me are...


And Cheers to hair that never gains weight and always works out with hot rollers!